The legendary band AC/DC once sang, “For those about to rock, we salute you.” In which case, allow us a gesture of respect to Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny.

Vampires, kung-fu hairstylists and Steve Buscemi (Art School Confidential): Not exactly things you would associate with Paris and that elusive and enigmatic emotion we call love. Well, some of you might, but we’re not here to comment on alternative lifestyles.

It’s 1995 and Chris Brander (Ryan Reynolds, Blade: Trinity) isn’t exactly hot stuff with the ladies in high school. Geeky and more than a little overweight, the only woman who was ever friendly to him is best friend Jamie Palamino (Amy Smart, Crank). Unfortunately for Chris, that’s all Jamie ever will be to him—his friend. When Jamie good-naturedly turns down his advances, Chris leaves town and his old life behind. Ten years later, he’s a successful record company executive and quite the stud.

In this past year, we’ve seen a few horror flicks that try to bring out the dark side of otherwise pretty mundane things (very badly in most cases)—the most recent of which was Stay Alive and its attempt to bring a sinister edge to playing video games. We thought this was already scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of looking for something terrifying as it is, but then along came Isolation with its evil monster—a cow. No, we’re not joking. Given, the bovine in question is a hideous genetically altered mutant cow, but still…

High flying executive Priscilla (Parker Posey, Superman Returns) and biology teacher Jack (Paul Rudd, The 40 Year-Old Virgin) are trapped in a passionless, dead-end marriage—and it’s all because of Jack’s inability to give Priscilla an orgasm. Things only get worse when Jack walks in on Priscilla getting some much needed sexual relief from—oh, horror of horrors!—a vibrator. His self-esteem at an all-new low, Jack moves into the garage and embarks on an affair with his bright and beautiful student Kristen (Mischa Barton, TV’s The OC).

Somebody tell the folks responsible for The Covenant that the late ’90s called and they want their trends back. Unless you’re one of those people who “understands the pain” of teenage “goth” group My Chemical Romance (or something equally melodramatic), there’s only two things you’ll get from this quasi-goth teen flick—lots of cute guys or girls either in the showers or skimpy underwear, and a couple of unintentional laughs.