Death by a Thousand Cuts

In light of the last-minute banning by the MDA of satirical movie Sex.Violence.FamilyValues, what cuts are likely to befall the rest of the year’s blockbusters? Some confidential notes from the Films Consultative Panel clue us in…Paranormal Activity 4 (October 25). Ghosts are good. Ghosts are great! We like ghosts. But these amateur production values are dangerous. Before you know it, you’ll have kids running around thinking they can be film directors, not bankers, lawyers or doctors. You have one week to polish this one up.Skyfall (November 1). A white guy getting it on with a variety of ethnic female stereotypes? Sounds like your average night at Le Noir. Just replace the martinis with smoothies—we need a health push in the lead-up to Christmas.The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (22 November). Hmm. It is rather violent, and there’s little sign of anything approximating “family values”. But immortal, power-craving bloodsuckers have gone on to great things here, so who are we to judge?The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (December 13). Some encouraging words for the shorter man in this. But it looks like an ad for Tourism New Zealand, and we can’t have that. Suggest renaming it An Unexpectedly Expensive Journey (at least compared to Singapore).Les Misérables (December 25). This whole ‘prisoner seeking redemption’ storyline? Big *!@#ing deal. Our Rehabilitative Enterprises initiative is placing more and more ex-cons in respectable roles than ever before. And that title! Yawn. But it is based on a musical… which means a gay guy must have been involved at some point. Ban it outright!