Enough Kidding

To all the restaurants implementing bans on young children,I am a delightful four year old who has never so much made a squeak in public. (What’s that? You think this is my mom writing and pretending to be me the way she does with those sickening Christmas cards and creepy Facebook posts? How dare you! It’s really me. “Implementing” was one of the first words I learnt how to say.)Anyway, I’m writing to complain about this disgusting new policy under which you seek to exclude young children from your premises. What gives? You were children once too, remember. Show a little compassion, won’t you? You go to these places to interact with the world, not to be sheltered from it.Who are you trying to kid? You’re just jealous we’re having so much fun. When was the last time you knocked over a bottle of wine just for the hell of it? How long has it been since you stuck your fingers in a cappuccino? Have you forgotten how to enjoy yourselves? Why is that when a puppy rolls around on the floor you think it’s sweet, but when we do it you suddenly go all OCD? Children should be seen and not heard you say? Well how are you going to see us if you don’t even let us in the door? Give us a break.Just what is it you’ve got against little people, Mr Bigshot Café Owner? It’s not like we’re all that different from one another. I’ve seen plenty of grown-up ladies wearing clothes as small as mine. You and your friends smell pretty funky, too. Baby, we’re the same you and me.Right about now I’m sure you’re thinking, “Geez, grow up and stop whining.” I’ll get round to that, I promise. But what kind of message does this policy send to our kids. (OK, your kids. My friends.) That size matters? You keep telling yourself that, Daddy-O. That it’s alright to exclude someone because of the way they look? I mean, sorry Pops, but I look pretty damn good. Clear skin, full head of hair, cherubic smile. Ladies LOVE me. You should be paying me to patronize your stupid space. Pour me a whiskey and I might just forgive you.Yours,Lil’ One** Editor’s Note: This letter was translated using the very latest in high-tech software. Sample original text as follows: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SNIFF. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!