Mr KIA Apr 15

Dear MR KIA,
Even squarish civil servants have cool Herman Miller chairs to sit in. I want a fancy throne of my own. My perfect chair would resemble the immaculate wing chairs seen in the 1962 film version of Lolita. The scene where rival pedophiles Quilty and Humbert sink into their respective chairs during their final sleazy face off has been on repeat loop on my plasma and never fails to give me a massive chairgasm. So tell me, where can I find one?—Wing Me One
Dear Wing Me One,
So a nice chair is all it would take for you to feel like a king (or a pedophile), huh? Allow me to help. If you are flushed with the dough, you can custom make your sumptuously upholstered high back beauty at Apex5 (#03-04, 5022 Ang Mo Kio Industrial Park 2, 6484-1146). But if you’re not, get something a little cheaper but no less special from Space (#02-00 Millenia Walk, 9 Raffles Blvd., 6415-0000).
Dear MR KIA,
I am an ordinary 55-year-old Singaporean male who recently married a hot chick in her early twenties from Vietnam. The sex has been scorching but lately she has been complaining about the ugly cauliflowerish bobble between my legs. She claims that a circumcision will make my wee one bigger and better looking. Where can I go and still use my rather healthy Medisave account?—Cheap Cutz
Dear Cheap Cutz,
I bet you wouldn’t have done it without a probing from the missus but it’s never too late to get the snip. Some of my friends claim that it makes them more aerodynamic in their bedroom calisthenics. Here’s a great place for treatment (ignore the misleading name): Sidek Clinic For Women (#04-25 Eastpoint, 3 Simei St. 6, 6787-8863) They allow you to subsidize your defrocking with Medisave.