Singapore’s government was forced into an embarrassing climb-down this month when its attempts to permanently stop the rain failed in dramatic fashion. Following the longest dry spell since the mid-nineteeth century, the heavens opened up again midway through March.
After three months of surreptitiously and rather successfully manipulating the weather, officials admitted defeat. “It’s over,” said one minister on condition of anonymity (and no photo, as the rain had spoiled his hair), “I got soaked outside Paragon.”
“We didn’t want to say anything,” said another, “but we needed something drastic to distract people from all the negative news of late. All this talk of being the world’s most expensive city was really hurting us. We performed poorly in the press freedom index. The BBC said we were selfish. We just thought permanent sunshine would boost the national mood.”
Leaked documents point to distinctly underhand measures. Among those most aggrieved was Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, who complained about the amount of paperwork he is now required to complete before unleashing a storm. “They sure make it tough for a foreigner like me to just get on with my job,” said the bearded 3,800-year-old. “It took me nearly nine weeks to get the green light, but now it’s hammer time!”
Mother Nature was also distinctly unimpressed. “Darling, you don’t have to tell me,” she said. “That icky parched brown was so not a good look! But what’s a girl supposed to do? I heard they siphoned off the entire subterranean water table and used it to cool Mick Jagger’s cryo-stasis chamber for that show at MBS.”
Observers say it was only a matter of time before the scheme failed, citing the government’s inexperience dealing with such powerful opposition. “We’re talking about the elements here,” noted one columnist. “You can’t just shut down their blog.”
Ironically, it was Indonesia that emerged the big winner—Jakarta’s deployment of next-gen, super-strength haze generators ultimately forcing the government’s hand. “We waited until they’d let it get nice and dry and dusty … then switched these bad boys on,” said a proud official quoted in the Post. “Look at these things! They can blast PM2.5s at least 1,000 miles! Of course Singapore had to switch the rain back on.”
Asked if he felt any remorse, the official was unrepentant. “What are they complaining about over there anyway? We thought they liked having smoke blown up their ass!”
