Shiny New Sing

It’s that time of year again. Our hangovers have finally cleared, we’ve grown bored of our presents and 2010 is receding into the distance faster than Jude Law’s hairline. Ordinarily we’d be busy making and breaking resolutions, but truth be told we’re kind of annoyed our iPhones still can’t do that for us. Honestly, it’s the 21st Century. If you can’t outsource life’s important decisions to a machine, then just what have the last few thousand years been in aid of? (OK, OK, maybe our hangovers haven’t gone completely.) So let’s instead look to the year ahead and what it might have in store. A few themes, trends and techniques that we boldly predict will be the next big thing(s).When have you known us to be wrong?Durian Law Based on the proposed local ‘lemon law’ which will require retail stores to replace or repair defective products, this new addition to the stature books will spell the end for restaurants whose service truly stinks.Barenaked Running After last year’s marketing blitz for barefoot running, we anticipate a more holistic approach will soon become popular. In the same way that wearers of shoes like the FiveFingers and Nike Free cite Mexican tribes as inspiration, so proponents of BNR will tell you they model their running style after that of a guy caught in flagrante with someone else’s wife.Finger Replacement Surgery The opposable human thumb is the envy of the animal kingdom, improving our fine motor skills no end. Yet, alone, it’s just not enough in today’s textastic world. The only solution is to give evolution a helping hand and graft thumbs in place of our pathetic other digits. Ten thumbs up!Uje Oxygenated, alkaline, vitamin-enhanced. You could barely have a swig of water in 2010 without having to swallow some pseudoscientific nonsense at the same time. It won’t be long before the backlash; and people revert to drinking plain old H20. Of course, it’ll need rebranding if it’s going to compete with the big players. Uje, the Albanian word for water, ought to do it.PONCE Rooms Forget VIP lounges and exclusive backstage access; that’s been done to death. No, what the snobs really want in this town is to avoid regular folk entirely. Henceforth the rich and famous will have free run of the entire club; with Persons Of No Consequence herded like unsuitably dressed sheep into the cloakroom at the back.