Hey guys (and I do mean guys),It’s been a while, huh? Y’all thought I’d grown up, got a job, bought a longer skirt? Put down that fancy-ass bespoke cocktail and think again. I’m back, and the only thing that’s gotten longer is my list of pet grievances against you. This being Valentine’s season and all, I thought I’d get the big one off my chest (and yes, honey, it is still mine, whatever that Marymount surgeon might say).Picking up girls. I’ve just two questions for you, fellas: why are you so bad at it, and why are you so effing bad at it? What’s a girl to do, when all the single guys now have their heads buried in their smartphones? What happened to staring at my ass or looking longingly at my not-so-long legs? You’ve something more interesting to look at, is it? I’ll give you an Angry Bird, loser. I’m all but getting nostalgic for sexual harassment now that the only crime being committed is nerdur.True story. I was over at one of our city’s insufferable skybars the other day (with a wind like that, how’s a girl supposed to titter inanely when you think you’re being funny?), and this trio of Eurotrash guys were—I kid you not—handing out QR codes. Not hello, not even a regular business card, a goddamn QR code. They were actually making us girls work to get their phone numbers. Talk about the techification of a nation. What kind of back-assward world is this?Naturally, I went sataying on over to them (it’s like sashaying, honey, only with more of a point) and demanded one of these cards. Sweet Jesus, Mary and Broseph, if they didn’t call themselves the Wolf Pack. I mean, us party girls watch movies too (so long as someone else is paying). And you boys sure as hell aren’t Bradley Cooper and this ain’t Bangkok, even if there were three dicks that shouldn’t have been there.Now you know me. Or at least you will eventually, if the law of average guys is anything to go by. I don’t carry anything in my purse except an access-all-condos card and a crappy old PalmPilot. (It’s the new Mace, sweetie. Singaporean guys run a mile when they see it.) So I couldn’t do anything with the QR code after all. But then I don’t need to visit douche.com to know these guys aren’t doing it right.So I guess all I’m saying is this: Put down your phones and look around you. You might like what you see. And you know what? We’re hyper-responsive to touch.Happy V Day boys,xxx
