The burdens of being a SG50 baby

Singapore — In an overwhelming mark of democracy at work, a whopping 20,000 presumably productive members of society took time out of their lives to vote on a matter of utmost national importance: what gift items will be given by the government to babies arriving in 2015, aka SG50, aka the mother of all birthday parties. To reward the apples of our nation’s eye and their dutifully reproducing parents, families with SG50 babies can expect to be abundantly showered with commemorative carrier slings, commemorative blankies, commemorative medallions and, most importantly, commemorative diaper bags.

Less reported in the news is the flipside of this reward scheme. Families whose babies fail to contribute to national pride by arriving prematurely in December will receive lumps of coal.

“It’s just salt in the wound,” says one affluent young father, whose new baby arrived today, healthy but three weeks premature. “He’s going to take Chinese tuition and swimming classes from the age of two and is pretty much already a shoo-in for Oxford. But I worry that he’s always going to feel inferior to those children who really made a difference to Singapore when it mattered.”

The spokesperson for the Ministry of Breeding for Greatness had little sympathy for unexpected hiccups in the gestation periods of human females. At a press conference earlier today, she said, “Premature birth may have been a valid excuse in the Middle Ages, but that simply will not do in our Smart Nation. We control the rain, for crying out loud. Not holding in your baby till 2015 is just plain sloppy.”

Luckily, the commemorative gift scheme lasts for a year, and many families are looking to try their luck again. The affluent banker’s wife told reporters: “As soon as I get out of the hospital, I’d like to try again. Hopefully my next baby will arrive by September.”

That’s right, lady! Do it again for Singapore.