With the stage set for a by-election in Bukit Batok, we couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if it had a candidate like Donald Trump in the mix. So picture this: An empty chair stands before a media scrum, and in the flicker of camera flashes, a glorious orange figure emerges.
“Many people have asked me why I’ve come to Bukit Batok. Let me tell you. I love Bukit Batok. And I know my Bukits. I know Timah and Gombak, Merah and Panjang, Chandu and Purmei—even Bintang, Nanas and Kayu Hitam. And you better believe I know my Batoks. Sometimes all I can think about is Batoks. All day, every day – Batoks, Batoks, Batoks.
The Bukit Batok dream is dead. But if you elect me, I will bring it back more zai, more steady; more kilat than you could ever have imagined.
I believe in free trade but we have to do it in Bukit Batok. Why are our companies making their products in Chua Chu Kang, Jurong and Hong Kah North? Forget about global warming, it was created by the people in Little Guilin to make us non-competitive.
And Yuhua. When we meet Yuhua residents at the border, they’re laughing at us! They do not like us; they are not our friends. When Yuhua sends us people, they’re not sending us the best people. We have to build a wall. A great wall. The greatest wall you’ve ever seen. Nobody builds walls better than me. Yuhua residents who are sick of JCube, Jem and Westgate can come to West Mall, but they have to come in legally. Why is it that they have three Starbucks and we have none? Maybe we should boycott Starbucks.
I think I am a nice person. I’m really rich. I’m really smart. And I’m a winner. You look at your alternatives. You have losers. We’re going to start winning so much that you’re going to be sick and tired of winning. You’ll have to throw money on System 12 Toto bets because you’re going to be so bored of winning. But we’re going to keep winning anyway.
I am officially running to be the Member of Parliament for Bukit Batok Single Member Constituency. You need a leader who knows the art of the deal. And together, we will make Bukit Batok swee again!”
This is satire, not news. Relax.