Ask The Sex Experts (Question 3)

Question 3:
My girlfriend is just the sweetest person ever. Everything’s going peachy except the sex. It took me awhile to admit this because I didn’t want to look like an asshole; I believe everything takes time. But it has been six months now! I know what the problem is—she’s lazy. She expects me to do all the work for her and just lays there like a fallen log. How do I get her to put a little more effort into sex without offending her?
Dr. Norman Li It’s possible she doesn’t feel comfortable initiating anything. So, in the heat of the moment, ask her to do something specific. If she’s really the sweetest person ever, she will be happy to grant a request.
David Tian, Ph.D. If you want to receive, you have to give. My guess is she just lays there like a “fallen log” because you haven’t been arousing her enough. Try spending more time on foreplay and building sexual tension and anticipation. People like to reciprocate. If you can bring your woman to great heights of intense pleasure, then trust me, she will bend over backwards in her efforts to please you. What arouses a woman sexually is quite different from what does it for a man. It would help if you knew what turns a woman on in bed. Why not learn firsthand from the words of women directly? Start with a classic anthology of female sexuality, My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday.
Violet Lim Well, there are a few possibilities here. She might not have had any sexual experience before this, and hence does not know how to enjoy sex. Some women are also brought up to think sex is dirty. So she might just be going through it all to please you. Or, it could be your own sexual performance is nothing much to shout about and she’s reacting accordingly. Nevertheless, it’s good to be open and honest. Because the longer this drags on, the more it’s going to strain your relationship.
Dr. Martha Lee Have you had any discussion about sex or asked her how the sex is for her? I continue to be amazed by the number of couples who have sex but never have any meaningful conversations about it and how to make it better for each other. To you, she is “the sweetest person ever.” Does that mean she can’t tell you the truth because she doesnt want to hurt your feelings, especially when it comes to sex? Or is she just shy when it comes to sex? Is she getting as much out of sex as you think she is? For instance, is sex pleasurable or painful? Would she like more foreplay? Is she lubricated enough? Ask her some of these questions and really listen.
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