Did last Thursday’s French joke sail over your little tête? Perhaps you need some lessons in the language of love. Fortunately, Alliance Francaise (1 Sarkies Rd., 6737-8422) offers beginner’s classes all week long. OK, so you’ve only got time to learn a few words, but trust us, they could make all the difference when next Monday rolls around. Besides, if you’ve got this far without a life partner, perhaps you need a little help distinguishing the masculine from the feminine.
What went wrong last Wednesday? You hit up the ladies nights and all you had to show for it was a hangover the size of Kota Kinabalu. Time for a different approach. Head over to one of the city’s latest hip hangouts—A Curious Teepee (#02-24 *scape, 2 Orchard Link, 6820-1680) perhaps, or else the new PS Café (#02-02, 45 Ann Siang Rd., 6222-3143)—and spark up a conversation with someone who’ll actually remember you in the morning. And we all know indie folk have no qualms about putting out on the first date.
Even if you’ve now got yourself a date, there’s no way of telling what’ll happen on the big night. Time to think like a Boy Scout and be prepared. Your banter’s honed, your tummy’s toned. You’ve fixed your look and learned to cook. Yet all of that will be for naught if you let the other party down in the bedroom. Worried you won’t deliver? Then it’s time to call for back-up. Once you’re done with work, head over to House of Condom (#B1-12 & #B1-01 Lucky Plaza, 304 Orchard Rd., 6735-6360) and pick up some sex toys. Do not, under any circumstances, leave them lying in plain view around the house. Oh, and 50 press-ups when you get home.
It’s getting close now. People asking you what your plans are. Colleagues looking at you like you’re a lost cause. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Hit up the personals section on Craigs List (http://singapore.craigslist.com.sg/) when they’re looking the other way. You’ll have to filter through a ton of junk messages; but then, that’s pretty much the definition of an office job already. Who knows what you might find? Man seeks woman. Woman seeks man. Pre-Op Dominatrix Chinese — t4m — 35 — (In My Dungeon). That last one is real, by the way. Good luck with that.
Plans tonight? Cancel them. Friends can wait. Family can be forgotten. There’s only one place you need to be and that’s the One Lucky Duck Arty Party at My Art Space (#04-41, 21 Tanjong Pagar Rd.). OLD (ignore the unfortunate acronym) specialize in creating opportunities for singles, and what better way to bond with someone than by working together to create a piece of art (you remember the pottery scene in Ghost, right?). Hopefully you’re reading ahead here, as you should have booked this by Thursday. Log on to www.oneluckyduck.com.sg or call 6698-0903 to do so.
You’ve got to back yourself. Even if last night was a washout, there’s still a chance The One could be lurking in the cubicle next to you at work tomorrow (after all, that’s where they found him in The Matrix). Assume tonight will be your last one sleeping alone, and prep the house so that anyone who does stay over will be impressed. Don’t waste time cleaning; hire Amahs on Wheels (#07-08 Wintech Centre, 6 Ubi Rd. 1, 6837-2708) to do it for you. While they’re hard at work hiding the vibrators you forgot to stash away, head out to Iwannagohome (#01-35/36 Great World City, 1 Kim Seng Promenade, 6737-8858) and King & King Wong (#04-13/14/73/74/75 NEX Shopping Mall, 3 Serangoon Central, www.kingnkingwong.com) and pick up some affordable designer homeware to spruce up your living room. On your way back, be sure to pick up a bottle of Champagne. It’s so much classier than inviting someone in for coffee.
Step 1: Call in sick. There’s no point making today any more stressful than it needs to be.
Step 2: Put that Champagne on ice. Warm bubbly just won’t cut it.
Step 3: Spend the day doing something you love.
Step 4: Head home and think back on the fun you’ve had. Admire your newly decorated house, your washboard abs and your slick new wardrobe.
Step 5: Think of how little you’d have achieved in the last two weeks if you had a partner tying you down. God, it’s good to be single, isn’t it? (You didn’t give that restaurant a real credit card number for the deposit, now did you?)
Step 6: Open Champagne. Drink.