The Future Is Now

Following a series of unfortunate the events that have been plaguing Singapore and the world recently—the Virginia Tech shootings, the Sungei Pandan drowning, and another Ah Lian winning Miss Singapore Universe—we decided to consult our crystal ball for some updates on future disasters, and perhaps take some action steps to avoid them. Here’s what we’re told:• The government’s attempt to become hip reaches its logical conclusion. The new parliament building opens in Clarke Quay and doubles as a club called In Da House, Yo.Solution: Vote them out.• Feminism finally catches up with the Singapore Girl. She now has to wear oversized jewelry, short man-like hair, no make-up and no bras (as they are all part of a patriarchic power construct).Solution: Make NS mandatory for girls too.• Singaporeans start to morph into a highly unsought after, greatly avoided breed of employees, forcing a massive exodus of Singaporeans to visit far-flung places like the moon to seek employment.Solution: Rather than just ministers, give every working force here a 100 percent salary increase too.• Our water starts being infested by a strange virus called “Mad h20.” Anyone who ingests this water after it’s been affected will start making strange politically incorrect comments and end his sentences with “Mahathir”.Solution: Let’s rekindle ties with Malaysia at all cost.• An actor or actress becomes Prime Minister.Solution: Ban Mediacorp celebrities from joining political parties. We wouldn’t want eye-candies just for the sake of it now, would we?• Singapore will slide so low on the Durex sex survey that they will leave us out altogether.Solution: Get going already! And perhaps, allow R21-rated movies and beyond to be available on DVDs for a little inspiration?• Asian Boys Vol. 101: The Golden Years and Dim Sum Dollies: Desserts, Anyone? are the biggest flops in the history of local theater.Solution: No more gay plays or another restaging. They’re really tired.