Diplomatic scandal exposed: How to make Singaporeans adore your national holidays

This year’s Fourth of July celebrations were overshadowed by a diplomatic scandal involving leaked documents. Hackers have released into the public domain a series of cables entitled “How to Make Singaporeans Adore Your National Holidays”. Addressed to the Philippines, whose independence day parade plans last month were fraught with criticism, the correspondence appears to be advice from countries whose national holidays have been adopted with enthusiasm by Singaporeans. Here are some of the highlights:

From the Germans

We have enjoyed considerable success adding the suffix “-fest” to any month name and having bier girls serve pints and sausage platters. Even Singaporeans with no affinity for German culture have been known to dance around maypoles in lederhosen.

From the Americans

Singaporeans have trouble grasping the concept of Independence Day (heck, they don’t have one themselves). So omit the name of your country and go for a more mysterious title—like the Fourth of July, I daresay.

From the French

Free-flow Champagne and oysters on Bastille Day. Non, make that free-flow Champagne and oysters every day.

From the Irish

Despite the heat, Singaporeans are surprisingly enthusiastic about our street parties. We are still studying the phenomenon, but one popular theory is that their grumpiness is placated with the addition of Guinness, green food coloring and silly hats.

From the Mexicans

Even we are not quite sure what Cinco de Mayo commemorates. But our sources tell us that Singaporeans are really crazy about tacos and tequila, so that’s all that matters.

Also released was a sole reply from the Philippines. “Thank you for your input, comrades,” the cable began. “In light of your advice, we are considering holding next year’s event on Sentosa and serving free-flow chicken adobo. Possible names include Junefest, Doce de Junio or Makati Madness. Wish us luck.”