Seven Steps to the Perfect Party Protest

1) Chope your spot well ahead of time! Even if you’re protesting third world injustice, there’s no point wasting valuable minutes you could spend at a nearby café drinking $10 coffees.

2) Picking a theme you care about is passé. Instead, pick one that marks you out as a trendsetter. Workers’ rights are a bit 2012. Over-population is about as subtle as the Harlem Shake. Protest in favor of free-range kopi luwak for a subtle contemporary look that says ‘I care about animal rights and good coffee’.

3) Don’t scrimp on your poster or placard. Lewd images are off limits, but letterpress printing is enjoying a revival. Trust us: your message about social welfare will carry so much more weight when presented in high-end metallic ink.

4) Organizers! To ensure a good turnout, make sure you have your F&B bases covered. Finger food and nibbles are good. Make sure there are cupcakes. To attract a higher class of protester, serve exactly the same food but call it canapés.

5) You don’t want too many people, though. Heaven forbid there be too many people in one place (or country!). Limit numbers by only letting the good-looking ones in. Side benefit: more press coverage for your cause the next day.

6) If/when the microphone gets hogged by some blowhard politician, don’t throw eggs, throw shapes. That ought to put them off.

7) Cleaning up after yourself needn’t be a chore (especially if you haven’t thrown those eggs). Since there’s apparently so many good-for-nothing, layabout foreigners leeching off the system these days, it shouldn’t be hard to find a few willing to help. Consider offering them PR in exchange for their time?