Week of March 9, 2007

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20): Molecular scientist Robert Bohannon knows a way to cram even more obscene gratification into a doughnut. He has discovered the secret to infusing pastries with a non-bitter version of caffeine. If his innovation is adopted by bakers, a doughnut would not only be able to have its usual sugary kick, but could also deliver the punch of two cups of coffee. Judging from the current astrological omens, Pisces, I’d say you’ll soon be able to find a healthy metaphorical equivalent to this pathological marvel for your own use. In other words, you’ll intensify your enjoyment of an already fine pleasure.
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19): “Dear Rob: As an experiment, I’ve been trying to soften myself—to see what it’s like to stand in a room and not always take the lead, not assume that no one else knows what they’re doing except me. It’s had an interesting effect so far: People seem more eager to play nice and offer me their good energy. But I don’t know if I’m willing to give up my take-charge instincts for much longer. Do I have to resign myself to either being strong or being loved? -Assertive Aries.” Dear Assertive: Could you add a little more love to your take-charge ferocity? And be more softly aggressive? And be open-hearted in your assertiveness?
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20): I’m betting on the imminent arrival of at least two of the following climaxes: (1) You’ll culminate a task or goal you’ve been working on for months. (2) You’ll remember an important intention you’d forgotten for a long time. (3) You’ll graduate from a crash course you’ve been taking since October 2006. (4) You’ll be reunited with a lost sheep or forsaken dream that’s ready for another chance.
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20): If given three wishes by a fairy godmother, as in the heroes of old fairy tales, you probably wouldn’t ask for the ability to fly or the power to turn invisible or the gift of a golden carriage pulled by eight white horses crowned with white ostrich feathers. But what would you choose? Something like “I wish I could solve my relationship problems”? Or maybe “I wish I could find my direction in life,” or “I wish I had enough money to do the things I love to do”? This is an excellent time to get clear about your three wishes, Gemini. If you do, I can almost guarantee that at least one of them will come closer to fulfillment in the coming weeks.
CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22): When Emperor Joseph II heard Mozart’s opera Abduction from the Seraglio in 1782, he remarked, “Too many notes, my dear Mozart, too many notes!” Sound familiar? I suspect you are exuding so much complex beauty and mysterious intelligence that, like Mozart, you may elicit responses akin to the emperor’s. Don’t take it personally. Though it is possible you’ll get a bit excessive, what’s more likely is that you’ll be as deep and rich and concentrated and emotive and vivid as you need to be in order to express what’s true for you right now. Will that make some people feel nervous or overwhelmed? Probably.
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22): The time is ripe to sign a new contract with yourself. Put it all in writing—I mean the promises you want to make to your future self. Describe the ideals you intend to live up to, the freedoms you want to fight for, and the changes you want to make in the world around you. There’s no need to sign it in ink made from your blood, but I do suggest that you dab some of your sweat and tears on the document.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22): While riding my bike along a route I’ve often traveled, I spied an unexpected sight: Standing amidst a twist of vines was a red signpost that said “Cherry Blossom Lane.” How could I not have seen that before? I pedaled over and found the beginning of a narrow road that had previously escaped me as well. I felt like I was in one of those dreams where you discover a hidden magic room in the attic of a familiar house. My heart filled with an irrational, child-like anticipation of imminent delight. I pedaled up a steep incline, disappointed to see there were no cherry trees in bloom. But as I reached the end of a cul-de-sac, I spotted a glint of gold in the mud. It was a statue of Jesus and Buddha holding hands, and there was a $20 bill taped to the bottom. Everything I just described is a metaphor for what I predict you’ll soon experience.
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22): Franklin D. Roosevelt was elected President of the United States four times, but he never won a majority of the votes in his home county of Duchess in New York. There is something comparable going on in your personal sphere, Libra: You’re getting more appreciation from outside your circle than you are from inside. Is there anything you can do about it? I think so. You now have the power to raise your standing among those in your immediate environment. Give them a vivid demonstration of what you’re really worth.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21): I foresee a time when women’s earnings will match men’s and when women will compose half of every governmental body instead of a measly ten percent. I predict an awakening that will help men understand that the global conspiracy to cripple and demean female power damages them as much as it does women. Until the coming of that happy day, I recommend that you celebrate International Women’s Day every day—and especially during the next three weeks. Your health, wealth, sex appeal, and wisdom will flourish in direct proportion to your efforts to give female intelligence more room to be expressed.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21): In his poem “Treasure Island,” Keith Althaus describes this scenario: “the tireless lighthouse flashes its ambiguous message: equal parts safety and danger.” What’s the equivalent of that in your life, Sagittarius? Is there a person, situation, or symbolic thing that is both warning you of a potential problem and telling you how to find sanctuary in a specific solution? Whatever it is, deepen your relationship with it so you’ll be finely attuned to the guidance it’s offering.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): [Editor’s note: This week’s horoscope was written by one of my readers, Artstar. It’s entitled “How to Be a Capricorn.”] Be a workaholic as you build a beautiful life for yourself and those you care about most. Love as hard as you work; be a loveaholic. In fact, be doggedly devoted to becoming the best you can be in every way—not just in your career but also in your marriage and in your roles as friend, parent, community member, and all-around ethical person. Be stubborn in your insistence that we humans are capable of more and better, and prod others into being their best and most beautiful selves. If they refuse, end your relationship with them, but keep wishing them well.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18): Sports franchises sell the naming rights to their stadiums. Baseball’s San Francisco Giants play at AT&T Park, for instance. Then there are the parents who’ve sold the naming rights to their unborn children on eBay. Inspired by these precedents, I’m thinking about selling the naming rights to the astrological signs. Instead of just “Aquarius,” I could maybe convince Nike to invest in calling it “Nike’s Aquarius.” Better yet, maybe I could hawk the rights (at a lower rate, of course) to organizations whose cultural influence I actually respect: Burning Man’s Aquarius or Greenpeace’s Aquarius. Given your current astrological omens, you should entertain an idea like this. Maybe you could add a corporate sponsor as your new middle name or as the name of your blog or your pet or your genitals. Consider it, Aquarius. It’s the perfect time to think outside the box in regard to bringing more money into your life.