It’s that time of year again—when it’s the fashion to make New Year’s resolutions. So we drew up a national list for 2006.Lose weight.Singapore is becoming far too heavy, what with the Circle Line, the Integrated Resort, and miscellaneous skyscrapers all being built. Obesity will only worsen the problem. So let’s all collectively resolve to lose at least 30 percent of our body weight this year. How? There’s only one way: exercise and sweat even more (thus drinking more Newater—a success at last!)Study more.A recent survey showed that most Singaporeans believe the sun goes around the earth. This does not surprise us as much as it does the geeks. After all, what’s important is that the sun rises and sets on time. The poll should have asked if Singapore revolves around money. We would all have got it right: “YES!” So let us all collectively resolve to study more. How? There’s only one way: Watch more television documentaries or TV’s Brainiest Kid (What did you think–read? Dream on.)Work harder.According to some economic forecasts, all our indicators (GDP, GNP, GAP etc.) are improving. But we must not rest on our laurels. If we don’t continuously run ourselves into the ground, how will it continue to be paved with gold? So let us all collectively resolve to work harder. How? HOW? Which part of “work harder” do you not understand?Have more sex.Singapore has once again been rated at the penultimate bottom of the world bonk statistics. This is intolerable. We have got to put our butts to the mattresses on this matter. How? Refer to “lose weight” above: Did you know that a good hump is equivalent to a three mile run? Well, now you do.Remain nimble.We must resolve to remain ever fleet of foot, so that we can respond quickly to any change in the environment. This means we must not unnecessarily handicap ourselves by making decisions and setting targets which we then feel obliged to execute and achieve at any cost. Therefore, we must all collectively resolve not to keep our New Year’s resolutions and to treat the custom as just another of those quaint rituals that we are better off extinguishing.Finally, we must do the occasional politically correct thing:Happy New Year, everyone!
