This year, I, promise to: 

It’s the end of the world as we know it… and we feel fine (possibly because R.E.M. aren’t nearly as big now as when they wrote that song). But if the Mayan Apocalypse really does hit this week, how can we here in Singapore increase our chances of survival?

1) To dodge any oncoming tidal waves the entire population should gather atop the Sands SkyPark at Marina Bay Sands. Ku Dé Ta to get with the program and relax their dresscode until the nuclear winter has passed.

This week, the little‑known Ministry for the Promotion of Emotion announced some updates to their guidelines, in light of Singapore’s world‑last ranking in a survey measuring which countries are most comfortable displaying  their feelings. Here’s what they had to say.

1) From January 2013, the requirement to give your employer two weeks’ notice of your intention to laugh will be reduced to a mere 13 days.

As the days grow shorter, the nights darker and the air ever colder (or not; we’re romanticizing here), our collective thoughts naturally turn to one thing. Depending on your faith, how you celebrate this great tradition may take different forms. Depending on your age, you may have grown to question the meaning behind it all. You and your neighbor may even look to different texts, sacred scrolls or even magazines to guide you through it.

Tony Soprano isn’t the only one who loses out with the termination of the direct SIA flight from Singapore to Newark, until last week the world’s longest commercial flight at 9,500 miles. The mob boss no longer has easy access to Bedok Reservoir to dispose of his bodies, while New Jersey’s second most famous son (and One True Boss), Bruce Springsteen, will now find it that much harder to buy his tour handkerchiefs on the cheap at Mustafa.But it’s we in Singapore who are really going to feel the pinch.

On the occasion of our 17th anniversary we sought the views of a random selection of the nation’s 17 year olds, for some honest and unvarnished insight into what we need to do to stay current and on trend as the city’s leading lifestyle magazine. The results were... mixed. Here’s what they had to say.i love u i-s magazine! i mean, i can never find u but i totally love u when i do (which i dont). like totes congrats. can’t believe ur 17 already. OMFG?!!!!?! just like me!!! r u totally horny all the time 2?I don’t get it. You wanna be edgy, right? Wanna be cool and independent?

In light of the last-minute banning by the MDA of satirical movie Sex.Violence.FamilyValues, what cuts are likely to befall the rest of the year’s blockbusters? Some confidential notes from the Films Consultative Panel clue us in…Paranormal Activity 4 (October 25). Ghosts are good. Ghosts are great! We like ghosts. But these amateur production values are dangerous. Before you know it, you’ll have kids running around thinking they can be film directors, not bankers, lawyers or doctors. You have one week to polish this one up.Skyfall (November 1).

SUBMISSION LETTER REGARDING SINGAPORE GRAND PRIX RENEWALAugust 2012To: The Eternal and undying Leader, mr. Bernard Ecclestone, Esq.From: [redacted]Dear Bernie (can we call you Bernie? Are we even allowed to look you in the eye yet?),First of all, have we told you how much we love those funny little spectacles of yours? And that hair! So regal. So presidential. Have you thought about getting it sponsored?Now down to business. Pleeeeease can we keep our F1? Pretty please?

Where once rowdy soldiers stayed,Now sees fancy art arrayed,What impressive feat of reinvention!From officers’ mess to neat pretension.The hope is that with government backing,Our contemporary art scene might just get cracking.Thirteen galleries… we wish them luck,And so hope the exhibits do not suck.Opening night sure looked a success,1,000 folk in best evening dress,Free food and drink on the big day,But will they be back when they have to pay?Right now it feels somewhat disjointed,Empty rooms leave you disappointed.The highlight? Tagore’s photo spreads.The low?

A short, counterfactual history of why white just won’t wash here.29 January 1819. Sir Thomas Stamford Bingley Raffles lands on a muddy river bank in Southeast Asia. Wading ashore (even back then it was widely known that white men can’t jump), he claims the territory as a new trading outpost for the British Empire. His pronouncements are met with derision by the local populace who doubt that somehow so pale could ever succeed under the sticky Singaporean sun.