This year’s Fourth of July celebrations were overshadowed by a diplomatic scandal involving leaked documents. Hackers have released into the public domain a series of cables entitled “How to Make Singaporeans Adore Your National Holidays”. Addressed to the Philippines, whose independence day parade plans last month were fraught with criticism, the correspondence appears to be advice from countries whose national holidays have been adopted with enthusiasm by Singaporeans. Here are some of the highlights:

From the Germans

Uncle writing you atas young people here because I know you read this atas magazine. Taxi Uncle sick of coming to pick you up in Tiong Bahru, pick you up in Keong Saik and waiting waiting waiting, and you no-show. Sibeh jia lat. 

After his offer of $5,000 in damages was rejected by PM Lee, what is blogger Roy Ngerng going to offer next to settle his libel lawsuit?

a. $5,001
b. A hug
c. The blood of his first-born child.
d. Native advertising on his blog.

On TripAdvisor’s City Survey, Singapore came second in which category?

A recent I-S poll revealed that 92% of Singaporean mothers were disappointed by the gestures of love their children made on Mother’s Day earlier this month. The big complaint? Not viral enough.

“I just don’t understand,” said a visibly distraught Mrs Ho at a focus group. “They took me to brunch, and then we took a selfie of them kissing me on the cheek. It only got 89 likes! I’ve never been more humiliated in my life. Would it have killed those ungrateful brats to arrange for Pokka to deliver me some unsweetened green tea via drone and then share it with the world on YouTube?”

Konichiwa! Hello Kitty here!!

I just turned 40 and I wanted to take this opportunity to thank Singapore for all your love, support and scary obsession over the years. I would say so in person, but unfortunately I don't have a mouth, so I have to write this all down.

Singapore this week announced that it has a new official title sponsor: from May 2014 the country will be rebranded as Sandsland^TM. The contract is for 500 years and comes with an option to extend, with the new sponsor taking over from the now-beleaguered finance industry as chief bankroller of the Southeast Asian nation. The partnership was announced at a private launch event, with a special appearance from popstar Jessie J singing “It’s all about the money, money, money”. Both the government and the casino industry at large described the new partnership as a perfect fit.

It is with a heart full of sadness that Greater Singapore has decided to consciously uncouple from Little India. We have been working hard for over four months, ever since last year’s riots, to see what might have been possible between us, and have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much, we will remain separate. We have exhausted all reasonable means of resolving our differences. In the first instance, we banned alcohol consumption. Then we extended that ban. We then went on to extend it on a weekly basis.

Singapore’s government was forced into an embarrassing climb-down this month when its attempts to permanently stop the rain failed in dramatic fashion. Following the longest dry spell since the mid-nineteeth century, the heavens opened up again midway through March.

After three months of surreptitiously and rather successfully manipulating the weather, officials admitted defeat. “It’s over,” said one minister on condition of anonymity (and no photo, as the rain had spoiled his hair), “I got soaked outside Paragon.”

Time once again for our seasonal quiz. What’s been making the headlines? How closely have you been paying attention? How little do you care?

1) Why was February Singapore’s driest month?
a. Alcohol taxes went up, so everyone stopped drinking
b. There’s still a whole four months to go before the crazy-exciting Water Week 2014
c. There hadn’t been that little rain since 1869