PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20): Molecular scientist Robert Bohannon knows a way to cram even more obscene gratification into a doughnut. He has discovered the secret to infusing pastries with a non-bitter version of caffeine. If his innovation is adopted by bakers, a doughnut would not only be able to have its usual sugary kick, but could also deliver the punch of two cups of coffee. Judging from the current astrological omens, Pisces, I’d say you’ll soon be able to find a healthy metaphorical equivalent to this pathological marvel for your own use.

The results of the Budget 2007 have been met with mixed reactions from many Singaporeans. Some are glad (the elderly and the lower income), some are lukewarm (the middle income) and some are just downright unhappy (whiners with nothing else better to bitch about).Now, we’re not suggesting that the government try the impossible and please everyone all the time–because if there’s one group of people that’s hard to please, it’s definitely Singaporeans.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20): Native to Africa and Australia, baobab trees are oddly beautiful, with thick, bulbous trunks that can grow partially hollow and thus serve as shelters for people and animals. They have an enormous capacity for storing water, allowing them to survive during draughts. Humans carve and paint their fruits, making them into ornaments, and also use their leaves, fruits, and bark for food and drink. The tree’s large white flowers open only at night, and are pollinated by bats. In all these ways, you remind me of a baobab right now, Pisces.

Oh, joy. The Chingay Parade is about to hit Orchard Road yet again for another round of oddly designed and eyebrow raising costumes, painfully horrid music, sweaty crowds, and, of course, blindingly gaudy floats—all in the spirit of bringing Singaporeans together! Now, forgive us our cynicism, but we fail to see just how all of that is supposed to inspire us to come together, instead of sending us running a mile.In all seriousness though, we think Chingay is a good idea; it’s just that the execution could use a little bit of work.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18): Happy Valentine Daze, Aquarius! During this lover’s holiday, I’m praying for you to have mind-boggling communions with smart-mouthed, quick-thinking virtuosos who are at least as brilliant as you. To be frank, I don’t care whether or not these communions are with attractive members of your favorite gender. In accordance with the promises of your current astrological omens, I just want to see you stimulated to the point of spiritual and intellectual rapture by kaleidoscopic give-and-take sessions.

And you thought the Merlion sporting sunglasses last year was jarring. Singapore Airlines (SIA) recently invited ad agencies to propose a revamp of the Singapore Girl, the company’s iconic stewardess.As the Singapore Girl has been around for 35 years, we knew that the very idea of altering this mainstay in any drastic way would draw flak from critics. We reckon SIA’s best bet is to make our Singapore Girl even more Singaporean!

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18): Seven centuries ago, there were Christian religious fanatics in Europe who demanded that all women must cover their ears. Why? Because the Virgin Mary had been inseminated through that part of her body by the Holy Spirit. The fanatics feared that other women might be susceptible to the influx of invisible ear-penetrating entities that weren’t so benevolent. And how does this relate to you? While I’m not worried that you’ll be literally invaded, I do think you should be careful about what words and sounds you let slip into your ears.

The crackdown on smokers puffing away in non-smoking areas has taken a more covert route recently. Plainclothes public health inspectors from the National Environment Agency (NEA) conducted sting operations at two coffee shops along Bukit Batok Ave 3, which have resulted in a number of busted smokers, all of whom found their wallets lighter by $200 each.It’s great that the NEA’s stepped up measures to curb this problem, but what we’ve got a qualm with is the resulting consequences of these offenders’ actions. We mean, really—a fine? Come on, NEA!

After seeing posters all over the place promoting the G.E.M.S. (Go the Extra Mile for Service) campaign, it occurred to us that Singaporeans seem to have perfected the art of using acronyms to make generally mundane campaigns much more attractive than they have any right to be. G.E.M.S.! Doesn’t that just scream out at you; just grab your attention and dazzle you with its wit and style?OK, maybe that’s exaggerating it a little.