Ultra Platinum Imperial Luxury Triple Treasure Shark Fin Restaurant

May 2012 
Set Lunch Menu

Sixteen plus plus years of printing tales about this town,

Its shops, bars and restaurants and all that’s going down,

Xcitement (and typos!) on every last page,

Hanging out down at Zouk, trying not to show our age.

Unless we’re mistaken, that’s cause for celebration:

Name of party venue, telephone and service information.

Days past we’d have written about the weekend’s one gig,

Producer’s Pitch Notes:

1. It is the distant future. Ridiculous—Singaporeans simply won’t wait that long.

2. The post-apocalyptic state of Panem is presided over from the power base of the Capitol. Can we work some corporate sponsorship in here please? Someone talk to CapitoLand?

Reports filtering in from the furthest heartlands speak of a terrible new plague. The first victims have barely three years left to enjoy the premium views from their condo windows and can do nothing but bitch and moan as construction sites erupt like buboes around them, as mature trees are felled to make space for…whisper it…mature people. Rumors are spreading of marauding hordes of the elderly descending on remote hawker centers and sitting there for upwards of an hour, just talking. The horror of it all!How long it will be before the sickness spreads we can only guess. Six months?

You ever think Singapore’s standards might be just a little too high? In a country that tops out at six inches above sea level we understand the need to get high somehow, someway. But this really isn’t the way to go about it. If it’s not a temporary and entirely ordinary subway breakdown causing nationwide tut-tutting, it’s a crisp packet somewhere in the heartlands being held up as an example of how the whole country is going to the dogs.

Hey guys (and I do mean guys),It’s been a while, huh? Y’all thought I’d grown up, got a job, bought a longer skirt? Put down that fancy-ass bespoke cocktail and think again. I’m back, and the only thing that’s gotten longer is my list of pet grievances against you. This being Valentine’s season and all, I thought I’d get the big one off my chest (and yes, honey, it is still mine, whatever that Marymount surgeon might say).Picking up girls. I’ve just two questions for you, fellas: why are you so bad at it, and why are you so effing bad at it?

Pop quiz: What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of 1995? The first Toy Story? Or perhaps (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? Maybe you get all misty-eyed about a certain revolutionary new Windows operating system, the founding of ebay or the invention of the DVD. Perhaps you still mourn the death of Dean Martin, Ginger Rogers or Eazy-E. Whatever your memory of it is, 1995 seems like an awfully long time ago.But you want to know something strange? Nothing’s changed since then. At least it seems that way.

To: All of You [mailto: [email protected]]From: Us, the maligned many, the frustrated hordeSent: Frequently, until you change your waysSubject: The New Rules of EmailWe figure we should give you this heads up now, since it’s probably only a matter of time before all of Singapore is sharing the same office.

Has the novelty of F1 finally worn off? With the race coming only days after scientists announced they may have found particles travelling faster than the speed of light, throwing our understanding of the entire universe into question, Sebastian Vettel’s 300km/hour begins to sound a little tame. The papers tried their hardest to stoke interest, but when you’re reduced to talking about the number of extra hotel beds filled over the weekend, there’s a tendency for your readers to…well…fall asleep.