Redacted draft of a letter intercepted on a bumboat somewhere off the coast of Changi, April 2013

Dear Resident,

We, the Office for Relocation, Fiendishness and Utter Lunacy (ORFUL), are sending you this letter to reassure you that, contrary to recent reports in the press, under no circumstances will you be forced to leave your sorry excuse for a home on the backward, wild pig-infested island of Pulau Ubin.

Regrettably, we didn’t get around to writing anything for this column this week. That’s because we were too busy snorting diamonds and setting Louis Vuitton bags on fire at Pangaea. Haven’t you heard? Everyone’s at it! If the Wall Street Journal was to be believed a few weeks back, most of Singapore is busy chalking up six-figure bar bills, mopping the Cristal stains off their Lanvin suits and—sorry, “the sound of a Ferrari zooming past” distracted our train of thought there.

Applications to be among the first to get your hands on Google’s groundbreaking new Glass, the awesome/creepy augmented reality eyewear that displays all kinds of interesting info just above your sightline, are now closed. Hopefuls were invited to submit their most creative ideas for how they’d use the new product, using the hashtag #ifihadglass. Here we hazard a guess at some of the submissions they might have received from Singapore.

#ifihadglass I would have a bullshit monitor to tell me what percentage of the newspaper story I’m reading is propaganda

It’s time for your roundup of entertaining employment news! Whether you’re a CEO, HR Manager or lowly employee here’s what you need to know about the multitude of newly-introduced work passes.

The H Pass. Horses! Ensure you’re properly registered to avoid accidentally ending up in an Ikea meatball.

1) Chope your spot well ahead of time! Even if you’re protesting third world injustice, there’s no point wasting valuable minutes you could spend at a nearby café drinking $10 coffees.

2) Picking a theme you care about is passé. Instead, pick one that marks you out as a trendsetter. Workers’ rights are a bit 2012. Over-population is about as subtle as the Harlem Shake. Protest in favor of free-range kopi luwak for a subtle contemporary look that says ‘I care about animal rights and good coffee’.

How does the government plan to accommodate the extra 1.6 million people it anticipates living here by 2030? Ignore the talk of repurposed golf courses and moved military bases; some redacted sections of their controversial White Paper reveal the real story…

1) Relocate people to the Jurong Rock Caverns. For years we’ve been building some 150 acres worth of mysterious storage space beneath the seabed. Let’s admit it’s not for storing oil, it’s for holding people.

In an astonishing, unexpected and entirely imaginary turnaround this week, the founding father of a made-up Southeast Asian nation appeared on primetime television dressed as Lance Armstrong. In candid terms he spoke to Oprah Winfrey about his checkered past.

Let’s get straight to it. Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your… performance?

Yes. I chewed gum for years. I’m ashamed to say I had a hook-up with a Wrigleys supplier. Everything else I took was legal, if distasteful to the rest of the world.

This year, I, promise to: 

It’s the end of the world as we know it… and we feel fine (possibly because R.E.M. aren’t nearly as big now as when they wrote that song). But if the Mayan Apocalypse really does hit this week, how can we here in Singapore increase our chances of survival?

1) To dodge any oncoming tidal waves the entire population should gather atop the Sands SkyPark at Marina Bay Sands. Ku Dé Ta to get with the program and relax their dresscode until the nuclear winter has passed.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21): In 2013, I pledge to conspire with you to achieve more mixtures, connections, accords, and unifications than you ever thought possible. I will furthermore be a fount of suggestions about how you can live well in two worlds. I will coach you to create a peace treaty with your evil twin and your nemesis, and I will help you develop a knack for steering clear of other people's bad ideas and sour moods.