This week, the little‑known Ministry for the Promotion of Emotion announced some updates to their guidelines, in light of Singapore’s world‑last ranking in a survey measuring which countries are most comfortable displaying  their feelings. Here’s what they had to say.

1) From January 2013, the requirement to give your employer two weeks’ notice of your intention to laugh will be reduced to a mere 13 days.

Tony Soprano isn’t the only one who loses out with the termination of the direct SIA flight from Singapore to Newark, until last week the world’s longest commercial flight at 9,500 miles. The mob boss no longer has easy access to Bedok Reservoir to dispose of his bodies, while New Jersey’s second most famous son (and One True Boss), Bruce Springsteen, will now find it that much harder to buy his tour handkerchiefs on the cheap at Mustafa.But it’s we in Singapore who are really going to feel the pinch.

On the occasion of our 17th anniversary we sought the views of a random selection of the nation’s 17 year olds, for some honest and unvarnished insight into what we need to do to stay current and on trend as the city’s leading lifestyle magazine. The results were... mixed. Here’s what they had to say.i love u i-s magazine! i mean, i can never find u but i totally love u when i do (which i dont). like totes congrats. can’t believe ur 17 already. OMFG?!!!!?! just like me!!! r u totally horny all the time 2?I don’t get it. You wanna be edgy, right? Wanna be cool and independent?

In light of the last-minute banning by the MDA of satirical movie Sex.Violence.FamilyValues, what cuts are likely to befall the rest of the year’s blockbusters? Some confidential notes from the Films Consultative Panel clue us in…Paranormal Activity 4 (October 25). Ghosts are good. Ghosts are great! We like ghosts. But these amateur production values are dangerous. Before you know it, you’ll have kids running around thinking they can be film directors, not bankers, lawyers or doctors. You have one week to polish this one up.Skyfall (November 1).

SUBMISSION LETTER REGARDING SINGAPORE GRAND PRIX RENEWALAugust 2012To: The Eternal and undying Leader, mr. Bernard Ecclestone, Esq.From: [redacted]Dear Bernie (can we call you Bernie? Are we even allowed to look you in the eye yet?),First of all, have we told you how much we love those funny little spectacles of yours? And that hair! So regal. So presidential. Have you thought about getting it sponsored?Now down to business. Pleeeeease can we keep our F1? Pretty please?

Directed by: The Singapore Olympic FoundationStarring: Feng Tianwei, other pro

Is Singapore getting ready to bid for the 2020 Games? Cameras in London over the weekend caught our Olympic delegation at the Opening Ceremony furiously scribbling notes in preparation...

This Danny Boyle puts on quite a show! Provocative film-maker who made his name with a story of drugs and violence... Somebody call Royston Tan?? The censors can help us keep it short and bring costs down.

Don’t really understand these boring scenes of pastoral life and timid sheep... Reminder to feature marauding wild boar and pick-pocketing monkeys when we do ours.

messy selectively 0 up, 233,451 down  

1. A phrase coined by Singapore’s PM Lee in mid-2012 to describe his preferred process for change.
“I would become messy selectively. There are some areas where you must accept that you cannot do things in a linear or hierarchical way.”

2. A nonsensical oxymoron. A contradiction in terms. Like fine fusion food. Or a Singaporean superstar.

Blame it on the archaic language or the sucky SEO, but it seems like people have been having trouble remembering a certain Top 10 list. With so many people straying from the path of late, perhaps it’s time for a little refresher.THOU SHALT1. Have no other gods. For the record, Jason Atherton, Bruno Ménard et al are savoury chefs not saviors.2. Not make yourself an idol. Nor pass off old Idols as headline acts.3. Not take the Lord’s name in vain. And certainly not use it to help further your wife’s musical career.4.

Editor’s Note: Due to an unfortunate administrative oversight (said sight being that of an extremely cute intern who distracted us all from our work) the below Declaration Form did not reach all prospective voters (yourself included) prior to this year’s Readers’ Choice Awards.